I had the privilege of speaking to a group of over one hundred pastors’ wives this week at a conference. In the weeks preceding the event, I had prayed much about what to share with this group of women.
I’ve been a ministry wife for over fifteen years, specifically a pastor’s wife for more than thirteen of those years. For a lot of reasons, it has been a difficult path. Rather than give a peppy message that glossed over the real trials of ministry, I spoke from James 5 and encouraged the women in patience and perseverance in difficult church ministry.
From the moment I began speaking about suffering in ministry, I could tell I’d struck a chord. Nodding heads, tears running down cheeks, vocal responses—this was a group of hurting women. Afterwards, I stood for nearly an hour and listened to woman after woman share what a difficult time she was having.
It’s with tears in my eyes that I share some of their responses with you. I share them anonymously because they can’t share them without recrimination.
- “We’ve been at our church for six years. Every Sunday my husband preaches his heart out, but he’s so discouraged on Mondays he can barely get out of bed.” When I asked if he took off on Monday as many pastors do to rest and recuperate, she shook her head no and replied, “No, he had to take another job. We’ve never gotten a raise and in fact, they’ve lowered our salary over the years.” I scrambled for encouraging words while trying to digest this. She interjected, “But, we know the rewards are eternal, so we keep going. God will take care of us.”
- “I’ve tried for four years to minister to the women in our church. We moved to this small community where they all know each other and are related. It’s like they don’t want to know me, and they don’t want me to know them. I feel like giving up.”
- “We’ve been at our church for two years. We moved hours away from our families. We have no friends, no support, no growth, and no encouragement.” The tears on this woman’s face could not be stemmed. I gripped her hands and prayed right then with her for the Lord to provide some co-laborers to come along side them to support them and be for them in their ministry.
- “I don’t know how to encourage my husband who is so discouraged when I am so discouraged myself. We can’t both be discouraged at the same time or we won’t make it.”
- “I have teenagers. I can’t protect them from some of the horrible things that have happened to us in ministry. I’m afraid they’ll resent the church.”
- “We’ve been at our church for thirty-four years. It’s constantly up and down. Things will go well for a while, and then it all falls apart. Then things get better and you think you’re past the worst of it. And then a time of suffering comes again, and you think, ‘Wait, I thought we were done with that.’ But the Lord perseveres us. We’re still here.” I commended this woman for her tenacity.
- “I can’t go into what our ministry is like or I won’t be able to hold it together.” Her eyes were brimming with tears, and I could tell she was working hard to keep them at bay.
On and on it went. The conversations I had began to blend together. But the grief of betrayal, financial strain, and loneliness leaked down face after face until I reached the end of the line and hugged the last woman before leaving. I thought of them as I drove home to Missouri. As tired as I was from speaking and traveling, I laid awake in bed that night and worked through each conversation. I woke up at 3 a.m. and began praying for each woman I’d spoken to.
Church, we must do better with our pastors and their families.
I love being a pastor’s wife. I haven’t always felt that way, and sometimes trying to find equilibrium in ministry has felt impossible. Don’t misunderstand me–we gladly signed on to minister to the local church. It is a privilege to carry the burdens of our people and to walk next to them through their suffering, their joys, their sorrows, their fight with sin. There is no joy like witnessing someone come to saving faith in Christ and then watching their sanctification right before your eyes. We get to see miracles that others don’t.
But there are other parts of ministry that crush the pastor and his family. And they cannot tell you about it. They can’t post on Facebook about the couple they’ve met with for weeks who are on the cusp of divorce. Your pastor can’t announce from the pulpit that someone called him last week and raked him over the coals for something he forgot to do. Your pastor’s wife can’t share at Bible study about how budget cuts at church have made it impossible for her family to pay their bills.
In the same way, the Lord has commanded that those who preach the gospel should earn their living by the gospel. 1 Corinthians 9:14
Your pastor and his wife struggle to carry the burdens and sins of the congregation because beneath it all are their own personal burdens and sins. Most of the time the burdens and sins are so tangled up and intertwined it’s impossible to separate the personal life from the church life. And if I’m honest, I wouldn’t want it any other way. It is an honor to be tangled up with the Body of Christ because that means that we’re knitted together as a family should be, even if the threads are messily knotted together.
That said, you’ll never know the full weight of discouragement your pastor and his family carry. To protect the sheep, they just can’t tell you. I can assure you, you have no idea the secret sorrows they struggle with every day.
So what’s to be done? As I looked into the weary faces of ministry wives this week, I was discouraged to discover that what should be an exception is too often the rule: your pastor’s family is struggling. I encouraged the ministry wives to love their people, to pray for them daily, and to saturate their own hearts with Scripture. I exhorted them to count the wins as often as possible. I told them to fix their gaze on the constancy of Christ, in the faithfulness of God who never changes—no matter how unpredictable church ministry is. Jesus is worth it. Ultimately, we serve the church for the sake of Christ and His gospel.
What should be an exception is too often the rule: your pastor’s family is struggling. Share on XWe ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. 1 Thessalonians 5:13-14
But, what I wanted to do was send a message to the home church of each woman in the room. I wanted to say this: Church, you must do better. Don’t make your pastor’s life harder than it has to be. Don’t double their burdens by forcing them to live below poverty level. Make sure they’re not just scraping by. Speak up for them—don’t assume that silent support is enough. It isn’t. Be a vocal co-laborer with them. Come alongside them and work with them so they know they’re not alone. Many of them have left all family and support to live in your community. You’re their family now. Don’t fight them at every turn. Extend grace for they are as imperfect and flawed as you are. See them as God’s gift to you, not your enemy. Encourage them often. Pray for them daily.
Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. Hebrews 13:17
Your pastor will give an account for your soul one day, and not just yours but that of each of your fellow congregants. Understand the weightiness of that calling and seek to encourage your pastor in it rather than dragging him down with a list of his failures and imperfections.
This morning I received a private message from a retired pastor’s wife who said that when they finally left the ministry after decades of service, she felt like it was mostly a failure. Please encourage your pastor and his wife in the value of their work. God sees their labor, and it matters to Him. It should matter to all of us as it is for the good of our souls.
Therefore, my brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always excelling in the Lord’s work, knowing that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58
As I’ve reflected on the tumultuous years of our own ministry, I am grateful for my church. It hasn’t been easy, but the Lord has taught me to count the wins and to see the Body of Christ as His gift to me.
- I’m thankful for the church member who sold some possessions and showed up on our doorstep with the proceeds because she wanted to help us pay for some hefty medical bills for one of our children.
- I’m thankful for the church member who volunteered to keep our kids while my husband and I led worship at a local ministry endeavor. She showed up at 7:15 on a Saturday morning (her one and only day to sleep in), fed my children breakfast and lunch, washed my dishes, and folded three loads of laundry.
- I’m thankful for the church members who take the time to text my husband after his sermon to share the ways the Scriptures encouraged, challenged, and convicted them.
- I’m grateful for the couple who checks in every month to see how we’re doing, takes us out to eat (not something we can often afford), who asks thoughtful questions, and sees it as their job to be for us.
- I’m thankful for the folks who use their gifts quietly and thoughtfully without adding to my husband’s responsibilities or mine.
- I’m thankful for nursery volunteers that free me to use my gifts of music during corporate worship.
- I’m grateful for the members who stay behind each week after our potluck and wash dishes while I have to rush home to put my toddler down for a nap.
- I’m grateful for the growth of new believers as they sit under my husband’s preaching and learn to study the Word themselves.
We don’t serve for accolades or wealth or notoriety. In many ways, we expect ministry to be a hard calling and we are committed to it. But we sure are grateful for the members who treat us with grace and extend family affection to us. I hope you’ll consider if that’s how you’re treating your own pastor and his family.
For a larger cross-section of the ministry family’s struggles, please visit Thom Rainer’s site, and be sure to read the comments on posts regarding pastors and their wives.
Photo by Rosie Fraser on Unsplash
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness (Crossway), and Memorizing Scripture (Moody). Connect with her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.
I bet you were a balm for their soul…just to hear somebody that could relate with understanding and sympathy, and validate their feelings.
I hope so. Based on the response, they needed someone “in the trenches” just like them, so I think I fit that bill.
This post both simultaneously breaks my heart and strengthens my resolve to better support my pastor and his family.
I so appreciate your soft heart on this issue! <3
This is a great article. And I sincerely hope that some church members and leaders out there are listening. We were at a very tough tough ministry for 14 years. We are now missionaries in a third world country. Honestly, people continually comment on how difficult it must be to minister here, because of violence and poverty, etc. But it is easier living and serving here than being the pastor’s wife at our former congregation. I know God was preparing me for difficult ministry here via the more difficult one in the states. It was a very lonely 14 years.
I find it sad that I have often thought “It’s so NICE to be appreciated once in awhile!”
My husband and I have discussed what we will do when our commitment here is up. He wants to go back into the pastorate. And to be honest, the last thing I want to be is a pastor’s wife again.
I am so sorry for the difficult ministry you have had! Several years ago during the absolute worst days of our ministry, a missionary stayed in our home for a few days while on furlough. He serves in a part of the world where Christianity and the propagation of it is illegal. We shared some of our struggles with him (he was staying with us—it was hard to miss our grief!), and he assured us that “friendly fire hurts the worst.” He had served in the pastorate in the US before going to the mission field, and he and his wife found it much easier to serve in a country hostile to the gospel rather than the local church in the US. So, I know what you’re saying and feeling is very real. And that is why I’m hopeful that churches will read posts like this. We must do better—we are eating our ministry families alive. I’m praying for you today. Thank you so much for sharing your struggles so that I can. The Lord bless and encourage you.
Fantastic post. Thank you for sharing. From a member of a church I will share my view from where we are. We love our pastor and his family but feel we live in arms length away to give them space. Never ask to take them out to eat because, I guess we have the wrong precetion in thinking they are bombarded with invites. We feel they might rather be away from the members at times and we understand that. We feel they surely have close friends they can let down with even though we are willing to be those friends. Guess I am saying we just don’t know what to do but do what we think is acceptable.
Barbara, I love so much that you desire to be a part of your pastor’s family life and want to invest in them. Know that that encourages me.
I’m wondering if perhaps they have been hurt in the past and find it “safer” to keep everyone at arm’s length. I’ve definitely lived that way before. I had a friend (a member who joined our church about two years ago) work REALLY hard to earn my trust as a friend because she could tell I’d been hurt and was a bit aloof. It was humbling to have someone fight so hard to eliminate space and be my friend. She is now one of my dearest and safest friends. I share that to give you hope that if your pastor’s family is aloof or standoffish when it comes to relationships within the church, it might not always be that way.
I’d begin by praying for them daily that the Lord would open up their hearts to have relationships with them, and then demonstrate when you can that you are safe. Let them know that you pray for them and ask if there’s anything specific you can pray about. Keep offering to go to dinner or have them over. Or offer to send them to dinner and watch their kids, or offer to have a pizza delivered one night so they can have a night in. A note in the mail reminding them they are seen and loved can be a non-invasive way to communicate care.
But don’t take it personally if they refuse some of your offers. The Lord might need to do some work on their hearts first. I admire you for committing to support them anyway. The Lord sees your service and love for them even if they don’t quite see it yet. I believe that is precious to Him. I appreciate your service from afar!
Glenna, I was so glad I got to hear you speak! You encouraged us all. You’re so real, down to earth, and a great communicator! The Lord used you mightily to minister compassion and prayers to many even after you finished speaking!!!(Thanks for speaking peace over my situation when all four of my CD’s were eaten by the CD player!! Lol) Thank you for traveling down here to Tennessee to love on us!!! Vicki Leavell
Vicki, I felt like I met a long lost friend when we met! I so enjoyed your company and your encouraging spirit!! I’ll be sending you a free download of my album since I didn’t have one with me.
Thanks for sharing this. I knew your husband years ago at UU. Glad he has a committed and sincere ministry partner.
People don’t actually know the toll that church leadership can place on a family until you actually do it. I was on church staff for about ten years before getting married. Then, I accepted a senior pastor position during our first year of marriage. Looking back, I’m amazed my wife stayed with me with all the adjustments she had to make. It was one thing to handle the stresses and attacks while a bachelor, but it hurt to see my wife deal with it. She didn’t deserve it. After being in that role for five years, I resigned that role to become a correctional chaplain. There are many reasons I went that direction in ministry, but what sealed the decision for me is our daughter being born at that time. I couldn’t fathom her growing up in the glass house being exposed to the ugly side of church life at such an early age.
Forgive me if my cynicism comes through. God has been working on it in me. But I’ve worked as a prison chaplain for nearly 6 years now in medium security facilities. We have men who are serving time for some pretty bad stuff. I also have very worldly coworkers who bring their very worldly mindsets and ethics. However, the treatment I’ve received from my years of working in church is by far worse than anything I’ve experienced in my current work environment. Even the worst day of working in prison has been better than most days of working in church. And I hate that and wish that weren’t the case, but that’s been my experience.
My hat’s off to those of you serving in the local church. It’s a high calling. I certainly do my best to support our pastors and families in our church. I understand what they encounter daily.
Thank you so much for writing this. My husband and I have served in Ministry for 34 years now. We have seen so much of what you have written first hand. I am thankful God has been there to sustain us through the dark times. And, I wouldn’t trade the blessings that I have seen from so many lives impacted by our ministry for anything. There are many discouraging days, even now, especially when you are ministering in a small church. The Devil never wants to quit and I am thankful God is there to help us overcome. Thank you again for sharing and reminding so many to pray for their Pastor and his wife:) You have been a blessing in my life today!!!
thank you for this article. I am not a pastor or a pastors wife, but I have a sister who is married to a pastor. He does a wonderful job but has been through a lot. What has helped him is my christian parents live next door and they have loved and supported them with prayer, babysitting etc regularily.
I have however been in ministry with some well known organisations and churches and have been hurt badly. I have been lied about, turned down for leadership roles, dumped for someone else who is more outgoing, waited 3 months for the results of a job application only to have the Board give it to another couple at the last minute, run kids groups at church and left the church with no thank yous or public acknowledgement of the hours of volunteer work I put in. While single I worked under people who were less qualified and less experienced than myself – simply because they were married and I was single, I have found more acceptance, encouragement and love in a secular music group than I ever received in a worship team. I have had pastors try to control and manipulate me and then dump me when I wont accept it. The list goes on but you get the picture. Recently I stayed in a motel for a week while my husband was in hospital having a major cancer operation – I never heard from anyone at church the whole time, a few weeks later I was in hospital for a minor operation, again I had no texts, encouragement or support from anyone, not even while at home recovering. Recently I had a cancer scare and the support came from my mother, and the parent of one of the kids I look after not from the church.
I am now at a point that I don’t know if I ever want to be in ministry again. I actually feel more encouragement friendship and support from the world. I have stopped ministering at church so I can concentrate on my little business looking after toddlers – though my husband volunteers as a cleaner. I keep getting the pastor’s wife and others pushing me to attend meetings, women’s events and so on. They don’t seem to accept that I wont attend the women’s events because it clashes with my singing lessons.
Churches and Parachurch organisations have to have a strong look at themselves and see the hurt that they are inflicting on their congregations, they need to study the Word of God regarding hospitality and loving others and overall, accept their people warts and all.
One thing that I remain very grateful for is that God is not like that, he loves me no matter what, doesn’t dump me or control me. He is a encourager and a friend, I don’t know where I would be without him.
Maureen, New Zealand
I have seen so many pastors beat up sheep and taking their vineyard from them, their garden of good works. This is quite horrid, So that since I do not elevate pastors above other sheep. We are all one body and each perform his function and no one lords it over another,
I am so sorry that you have had such a poor experience with leadership within the church. Those who have led selfishly and lorded over their people will give an accounting to the Lord for such actions.
In my experience, however, there are many pastors who are suffering beneath the weight of ministry and sheep that devour them, but we rarely get to hear from them because they’ll lose their jobs if they complain. That’s why I wanted to write this post.
You’re correct in saying we shouldn’t elevate one another—we’re all equal in Christ, thankfully. That’s the beauty of the gospel—God has reconciled us to Him and to each other! Now, if only we can all learn to live with grace and kindness with one another.