I can’t remember the last time I took a pregnancy test. It’s been a year, maybe. You’d think that fourteen years of infertility would put an end to desperate test-taking, but somehow, the tiny seed of hope that bears no fruit still has roots running miles deep.
I wonder how many hundreds of pregnancy tests I’ve taken over the years, hoping every time that I was misreading the one lonesome line. I don’t want to tell you how often I’ve dug a test out of the trash and held it up to the light– just to be one-hundred percent certain that second line hadn’t showed up outside the allotted ten-minute window of reliable results.
Before adoption became common vernacular around my home, before I became a mother, before I stopped leaning so heavily upon those one-lined reminders of my barrenness, my heart ached with one desire: a child. There was nothing else that I could name that would bring me greater pleasure or relief. For years, every month was lived in two-week increments: two of hope, two of crushing despair. Followed by more fragile hope and inevitable despair. On and on the cycle of hope and despair stretched out for years until my heart was entombed by bitterness and despair.
I thought the Lord had failed to love me because He wasn’t giving me the desires of my heart. Children were a gift, Psalm 127 extolled. I wasn’t asking to be famous, wealthy, or powerful. I just wanted to be a mother. Surely God was withholding something good from me for no good reason. I couldn’t think of any.
It never once occurred to me during those early years of waiting that God might be doing something good in withholding children from me. That was definitely outside the realm of possibility. I didn’t think there was anything wrong in my desire for children; and indeed, there wasn’t anything wrong with the desire. What was wrong was where the desire ranked on the spectrum of importance. Because if “following Christ faithfully” was on the scale, it was miles down from where “motherhood” had lodged itself at the very tip top. And when I say “had lodged itself,” I mean that I climbed up really high to put it there with my own two hands and an idolatrous heart.
When I was a teenager, I “discovered” Psalm 37:4 and declared it to be my Life Verse at the time (please tell me you had one of those). “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” This is a formula I could follow for life, right? Delight in the Lord? Simple! He’s great, He’s awesome, He gets credit when things are going well. Now, I’ll wait expectantly for Him to do what I ask. This will work out great for when I want to go to that one specific college or marry that guy or have this job.
But this isn’t an equation. It’s not math and it’s not a formula. Lip-service to God doesn’t mean I can manipulate Him into giving me what I desire. Even sincere amazement at His goodness doesn’t equate with a check next to the boxes of unmet desires. I didn’t understand at fifteen that a heart truly delighted in God will desire what He desires, will love what He loves, will do what He purposes.
So a decade after my Psalm 37:4 epiphany, I could be found sobbing, face down on the bathroom floor with a hundredth negative pregnancy test in my hand and a hole in my heart. Had God failed to deliver what I thought He had promised? Could He be doing anything good in the years of fruitless waiting?
I hate leading questions, don’t you? The answers are obviously no and yes. He hadn’t failed to deliver on a promise because He had never promised me children. He was doing something good in the years of waiting because He does not work without purpose. He is intentional and also kind. And, while I didn’t know that He was being both intentional and kind in my infertility back then, I now know for certain that He was.
It took the years of longing, of aching with a desire I couldn’t answer, of walking around with an emptiness I couldn’t fix before I began to question what I knew of God’s character. I hadn’t been seeking Him for anything more than a child for so long, opening my Bible for any other reason felt odd. I get a similar feeling when I visit my hometown after having lived away for thirteen years. I forget the back roads and shortcuts until I drive around for a while. But muscle memory is funny thing, and when I began to go to Scripture to see why He might be withholding children from me, I found that He wasn’t so much withholding the desires of my heart as much as He was giving me new ones.
The gospel is good news unto salvation. It is also nourishment for our soul and keeps us from shipwrecked faith and adopting false teaching (1 Tim. 1:18-19, 4:6, 2 Tim. 3:15). Sometimes, the Lord uses His Word to both rebuke and bind us up with healing. As I searched the Scriptures for what I could learn about God’s character, my arms were still empty. But my heart began to be filled. I went to the Word day after day to set my eyes on the goodness of God, and I was filled with what I found. He was good, faithful, merciful, just, wise, sovereign, present. In dwelling on His character, I began to see that no desire, no matter how sweet or noble, could stand in the place of my Savior. I am a slave to Christ, and therefore, no other master will do. Not motherhood, not marriage, not status, not notoriety. Even good things can become idols if they fight for center stage in our hearts.
I am a slave to Christ, and therefore, no other master will do. Even good things can become idols if they fight for center stage in our hearts. Share on XMy son was born during those years. We traveled to meet him, brought him home a week later, became a legal family six months after that. More years passed, and the joy we found in our son revived the old ache in my heart. This time, I knew what I was missing. I couldn’t imagine that God would have us wait seven years for a second child, but He did. This time around, though, the ache drove me to the Lord immediately, and again I found that though my prayers for a child seemed to be met with silence, the ache for children was a gift. The ache was a scalpel that scraped away the surface of my desires and revealed that what my heart would always long for the most is God Himself. And because He is both intentional and kind, He gave us Himself in every way we have needed: Father, Son, and Spirit. From garden to temple to cross to Pentecost, God has given us Himself and given us record of it in His Word. One day we’ll see Him face-to-face completely unhindered, and then there will be an end to every yearning.
The ache in your heart might be similar to mine. Or maybe it’s loneliness that streaks your face with tears. Or a broken relationship. Maybe the threat of financial troubles keeps you up at night with a litany of desperate prayers. Perhaps you long for healing more than anything else you can think of. The ache we feel may be valid and real, but it can also be a lens through which you see what your heart longs for the most: the Giver of the gifts rather than the gifts itself. The One we pray to, not the thing we pray for.
Take it from me, a woman who is both barren and a mother: when God doesn’t give you the desires of your heart, He may be giving you the desire of His heart. He may use the absence of the gift you pray for to set your eyes on the Giver instead. It will always be Him. Let your yearning turn you to the One your heart was made to yearn for.
When God doesn’t give you the desires of your heart, He may be giving you the desire of His heart. He may use the absence of the gift you pray for to set your eyes on the Giver instead. It will always be Him. Share on X“But as for me, God’s presence is my good. I have made the Lord God my refuge, so I can tell about all You do.” Psalm 73:28
Photo by Antony Xia on Unsplash
Glenna Marshall is married to her pastor, William, and lives in rural Southeast Missouri where she tries and fails to keep up with her two energetic sons. She is the author of The Promise is His Presence (P&R) and Everyday Faithfulness (Crossway), and Memorizing Scripture (Moody). Connect with her on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.
Man, Glenna, your book is going to be so good!! I am so thankful for you and how the Lord has sustained you so you can comfort others with the comfort you yourself received.
This is an excellent article I have struggled for years with that Scripture “God gives you the desires of your heart”. I have heard it preached so many times that in now annoys me. I can count my desires on one hand that have been granted – that was for marriage (mind you I was 45 yrs old). I longed for a baby of my own to nurture and love, but that was not granted. I waited until marriage to do it God’s way, people prayed that God would honour that wait with a baby, but it never happened. Instead I went into early menopause and now am too old to conceive. To top it all off I am the oldest of 6 kids – I have had to watch them all have babies (16 nieces and nephews so far). My husband had a son from a previous relationship, I raised him for 6 years before he rejected me and lied about me neglecting him and got us into trouble.. We welcomed him back and at 18 years old he rejected me again.Due to my husbands health (he has Parkinson’s Disease) and my then age, we couldn’t adopt so fostered children. Due to my stepsons lies the fostering agency stopped us fostering and removed our foster daughter suddenly after successfully caregiving for several children. Then there is the desire to own my own home – we had one for a few months before my husband was made redundant from his job and we had to sell and went into bankruptsy. Due to that we can no longer buy a home. I have always wanted to travel, especially to Canada, Alaska, Perth (to see my stepsons grandparents), Israel and the USA. Instead of being granted that desire, I have had to stay home and watch my siblings go overseas yearly- Australia, World trip, Cruising, Israel, Europe, Pacific Islands and the list goes on.
Sometimes I have cried and wept with hurt as to what is wrong with me, wondering if I sinned?, is God punishing me for past mistakes etc? Even my wonderful christian mother said to me ‘the prequisite for getting the desires of your heart is obedience’. She meant well but that only cut me deeper and made me wonder if I had been disobedient in some way.
I really wonder sometimes if those people who preach that Scripture have ever had a desire go unfulled – do they really know what it is like to long for something and not receive it or watch someone else get exactly what you have been praying for.
Thanks for an article that is real and relevant, for challenging me to keep putting my trust in God, that even though these desires go unfulled, he still loves me and wants the best for me. One thing I do know it has given me a sympathy and an understanding of people who hurt and an ability to minister to others.
Though my nieces and nephews are lovely kids and I love them dearly, I wonder sometimes if they will really know what it is like to go without or have that sympathy and understanding of other people.
Maureen. New Zealand
You now have the desires of your heart and sadly, I’m still waiting for so much! I agree with Maureen that those who ‘preach’ at us to embrace your current situation have never had their desires go unanswered, they truly can’t relate and I’m sick of watching those around me be fulfilled! I, too, have been told to accept God’s will and be obedient…I have tried my best to honour the Lord in all that I do but can find NO goodness in the process, only pain.
Kelly, How I wish we could sit and have coffee and talk about what you’re going through and what you’re waiting on—I sense a lot of pain in your words, and computer screen conversations leave much to be desired, you know? I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Deferred hopes really are so difficult to endure. How I long for a body that produces something more than disease. Alas, I know that this side of heaven that is an unlikely reality. Nevertheless, I think that the Lord can redeem even our deepest hurts. Note that I said “hurts,” though—-for they do hurt! And yet, Scripture teaches us that God does really amazing things with even our most painful situation. I’m thinking of 1 Peter 1, specifically. I don’t know your situation, but please know that I’m praying for you tonight. Much love.